• Jean Rafferty




May 2020

From: Human Resources Department

To: Prime Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

At the risk of appearing impertinent, I would like to commiserate with you on your plummeting approval ratings and to pledge you the support of the Human Resources department. It's not your fault if people are too stupid to understand a perfectly simple slogan and the four levels we'll go through before completely lifting lockdown. Sorry, is it five levels?

It strikes me as very ungrateful of people to disapprove of you because you've come out of hospital. You couldn't possibly have been expected to run the country from a hospital bed forever and your leaving shows true unselfishness, though as the NHS is only running at 60 percent of its capacity, perhaps you could have kept your approval ratings up by staying in a little while longer.

That figure of 60 percent is a remarkable achievement, PM, and will stand us in good stead for the future contraction of the health service. People have clearly got the idea - they mustn't run bleating to their GP every time they get cancer or a heart attack. They've become much more self-reliant and a jolly good thing too. There's no room for whingers in the new Britain.

I know some people felt my department's suggestions for reducing NHS costs by getting patients to fundraise for treatment were a little unconventional, though I still think the National Treasures scheme could work - after all, what are all those people in the entertainment industry going to do if we can't reach level five for a while. Or is level one the good one?

I appreciate not everyone is as forward thinking as we are ourselves so am glad that you've continued in your transfer of the human resources' medical data to our chums on the dark side. Honestly, I don't know why the Loony Left are complaining. £1 million in 18 months to one firm is a drop in the ocean compared to the £1 billion we've given out in state contracts since covid began. These guys will ensure that the US team dismantling the NHS for positive reconstruction - or the Wrecking Ball team, as we call them in the department - use them to streamline services and set up proper individual financial plans. People must stop expecting something for nothing where medicine is concerned. They can't possibly think their pathetic national insurance payments cover the true cost, can they. (Wouldn't mind that Miley gal coming round to offer a bit of ball wrecking treatment of an afternoon, would you?!)

No, knowledge is power, they say. Personally I find it can get in the way of decisive action, as I suspect you do yourself, but it should be handed over to the people who'll use it best. I did applaud your cunning in offering mobile testing to the dependent territories. Why should Nicola Poppins get the results of those 30000 tests on the jocks? She'd only use it for more political propaganda, when we should obviously look at it first so we can check their R rate isn't as good as ours. (Luckily, they're one of the few places left which are worse, it seems.)

Pity the taffs realised that data protection laws would prevent us handing over the results and decided to do their own testing. Not often they get one over on the Poptart, though I have to say, she's a world leader in the art of claiming the moral high ground. Better than you are yourself, PM. You must stop being so humble and do as she does. I told you all I'd get it wrong. And I did, so see? I was right.

You're the one who's right, PM. You've made the right decision in making the working classes start doing what they're supposed to do - work. It's their own fault if they can't afford cars. Pure selfishness. They've probably squandered all their cash on beer and Kentucky chicken, but it's our responsibility to get people off public transport and keep the R rate down. They can just bloody well get on their bikes.

Now there's a good slogan, PM - Get On Your Bike. We could apply it to all sorts of things - like the foreign NHS staff whose visas have run out or the unemployed layabouts who didn't want to pick onions and live in perfectly good dorms miles away from their homes. Or those bolshie teachers who're saying it's not safe for children to go back to school. Honestly, what kind of example is that to give to the little darlings? We're becoming a nation of ninnies.

Oops. One of the more nerdish members of department has just told me a Tory minister from the olden days used that slogan. Back to the drawing board! But don't worry, there are many more where that came from. A modest proposal: how about The Smart Virus - it knows to stay six feet away from you.







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