27th August 2020
From: Human Resources Department
To: Prime Minister
Dear Prime Minister,
I am writing with a modest proposal about our approach to the migrant situation in the English Channel. You have of course been utterly correct in expressing your concerns about the crossings being bad and stupid and criminal but PM, this is a £6 billion industry and it seems to us in the department that that money should be coming to us, not to individual entrepreneurs or low class Albanian traffickers.
Instead of asking the French coastguards to stop these boats at source, I suggest we have an official scheme whereby we offer migrants safe passage across the Channel. We have to be responsible about this as it's just not acceptable to have all these boats cluttering up our major link with the Frogs and the rest of the European tossers. (Sorry, our esteemed European colleagues, though not for much longer, tee hee.) If people are prepared to pay for the privilege of coming to our world-beating country, let us be the ones to reap the benefits.
Some Rear Admiral has come up with the marvellous suggestion of using our under-used cruise liners to process migrants and I think he's on to a winner. There's no point in having such a useful resource sitting there empty.
But rather than simply moor off the coast and process the buggers, we think the cruise ships should set off again and take people to other countries. We don't want our British culture to be diluted by other, less advanced ones. There's already been enough interference from the bleating brigade about our national songs. Of course we've never been slaves. The idea is preposterous. And why should we be embarrased about the fact that we gave people less fortunate than ourselves employment and accommodation. The world would be a much better place if Britannia did still rule the waves.
No, as you say, PM - no more cringing embarrassment. We need to preserve the purity of our English bloodlines. There's already enough Jocks and Taffs kicking around the place, to say nothing of the Bombay division. I suppose it can be useful to have a smattering of other races around, as is evidenced by our last two Chancellors - they seem to be quite good at figures, these Indian chappies. Only because we took over their systems to show them how it's done, I'm sure.
Perhaps we should even use the cruise liners to transport migrants back to their own countries. After all, we can't be responsible for what dictators do to their own citizens. The days of us interfering in other people's societies are over, unless NATO tells us we have to sink the boot in the chinkerchonks or let rip with some of our Trident missiles, which would be a jolly good wheeze - pity to have them and not use them. We should drop some on our vodka slugging, vote rigging brethren in Russia - how dare they meddle with our elections and go about poisoning the citizens of Salisbury? They can do what they want with their own citizens but they have no right to touch ours.
The main thing is, all this travel and moving about the planet by migrants is causing environmental damage. Using cruise liners would be an efficient way of cutting down on the sheer numbers of sea-going craft out there. In the midst of all this panic about the pandemic, people seem to have forgotten we're in the middle of an environmental hiccup. Time for another slogan, PM - Let's Save the Planet. It has been used before, of course, but probably not by us, which would make it all the more effective.
There are many uninhabited islands in the Maldives, for example, where we could take people who're surplus to requirements. It's a bit of a shame that half the islands in the Pacific will be submerged soon, but let's do the compassionate thing and give migrants a taste of paradise before they sink beneath the waves.
Or we could plank them in the Marshall Islands, where our esteemed American colleagues tested out their bombs after the war, on Bikini Atoll and all these other islands. Jolly good fun watching them go up in flames, I should think, though even better watching the islands' dusky maidens in bikinis. I digress. There may be ten times more radioactivity there than from Chernobyl or Fukushima, but tropical weather and blue skies should make up for it.
People have to accept the consequences of their irresponsible wandering about the planet. We're entering the worst recession in 300 years because of these pesky scientists and medics, so we just don't have the resources to feed every Tom, Dick or Harry who comes to our shores. I feel sorry for that poor Ugandan lady who died in Glasgow at the weekend, but it just goes to show the Jocks are not as high-minded as they claim to be or they'd have made sure she and her baby had enough to eat.
We must resist all of Nicola Poppins' attempts to shift the blame to the national asylum system. You'd have thought putting people in a hotel would have been a nice treat for them. How were our colleagues at Mears Group to know the windows couldn't open and that some of the rooms didn't even have windows? As for the shooter chap, why on earth should he complain about good British food when he normally eats African rubbish? Unless the Jocks gave them haggis, of course.
That's the trouble with using them - always trying to save the pennies. On no account should we allow them their independence - they've shown over and over again that they can't run their own affairs. Or ours, for that matter. We trust them to run our dispersal scheme yet Jockistan is the only place in the UK which has had so many tragedies for asylum seekers - they had that young man going berserk in June and stabbing a police officer and five other people in Glasgow. Not that I suppose they took much notice. That's their culture - the Glaswegians, I mean, not the asylum seekers. That stuff that goes on every Saturday night there, apparently.
In all conscience Glasgow is probably too dangerous for asylum seekers and we should ensure that they go to safer places. Let's get on with commandeering some of those cruise ships, PM, and collecting all the migrants together so that we don't have to waste manpower and our resources hunting them down in the Channel.
Pictures by Domenico Mattei, Kapa 65, uwekern and Hans, courtesy of Pixabay