PRIME MINISTER WITH CRABS
26th July 2020
From: Human Resources Department
To: Prime Minister
Dear Prime Minister,
May I congratulate you on your admission at the weekend that we didn't wholly understand the virus in the first weeks and months of the pandemic. This creates a more human aura round yourself as leader and reinforces the impression that we now know exactly what we're doing.
In fact, to capitalise on that, may I make a modest proposal and suggest that you introduce the concept of Prime Ministerial Infallibility. The Orkney pictures of you with crabs were splendid and we believe you're currently on a high. Your plans for that high speed train to cut London journey times for businessmen by all of twenty minutes will make your name famous for years to come, as will the proposed bridge between Northern Ireland and North Britain. Even Dominic number two has praised your optimistic effervescence as a means of saving the union. (Not sure what union he's talking about - I thought we were leaving Europe?)
Just declaring Prime Ministerial Infallibility means no-one will ever doubt you again. As you know, Nicola Poppins has already embraced the doctrine of Infallibility in Jockistan and is enjoying an approval rating unheard of for a British politician.
Not with her own party, of course. As expected the Jocks are fighting among themselves - I suppose that's inevitable in the country that invented the clan system. Not that I'm criticising it. It is in fact a very useful tool, which we ourselves have adopted very successfully to ensure that only people like us (as Mrs T, the first great Sexy Nanny leader put it) have access to the real power and money.
It's only fair. We're the people who have to take all the hard decisions so we're the ones who should be rewarded. Some of us are more prescient than others and have invested wisely in companies that just happen to be involved in the production of our new world-beating vaccine. It's encouraging to see that a double dose is required for it to work properly, meaning double the amount has had to be ordered.
It's also admirable that the test phase is restricted to people between 18 and 55 years old. No point in cluttering up success rates with all the old duffers. With any luck there will be very few of them left after a winter of standing in post office queues in the rain. We don't want to waste future supplies of the vaccine on people who're economically useless.
But it's not just in the medical area that you are leading us to ever greater heights, PM. Your financial acumen in abolishing stamp duty to stimulate the property market has already led to a 49 percent rise in enquiries about properties from 4 to 500K and above. The people who live on those rabbit warren housing estates in hovels that cost under 300K can just carry on exchanging their few pennies as usual. Who cares whether the market is stimulated at that lowly level?
We have, in any case, catered for that end of the market by creating lockdown conditions - house arrest clearly makes people hate each other, which will surely produce a marvellous increase in people wanting to live alone and therefore give a much needed boost to our builders. The hairy-legged brigade is already bleating (well, them and those ponces at the UN) about the 20 percent rise in domestic violence, though that's completely unsurprising, if you ask me. Who wants to be locked up with one of those ball breakers?
It's clear from mortality figures that keeping people indoors has all sorts of benefits. In the week ending 10th July there were only 10000 deaths, which is six percent less than the five year average for that period. So even with covid, our policy of keeping boy racers off the roads and encouraging people to entertain themselves by drinking and online gambling has led to fewer deaths than usual.
Lockdown has served its purpose admirably - it may not have had much effect on actual deaths, as our scientist chums across the water are saying (though who ever thought they had universities in Toronto and Texas?) but it damn well made sure that our world beating NHS wasn't overwhelmed when the first wave of covid hit. Now, when we finally contract it off to our American friends, we'll get a much better price. And once we bring in mask wearing whenever people leave the house I think we'll find people will just want to stay in and get on with accessing soft porn and ordering takeaway pizza. Personally I always think waitresses in masks look as if they're going to mug me - the proprietors do that with the bill anyway in some of our top restaurants - which is why the Eat Out to Help Out scheme is going to be a godsend for those of us who frequent the better sort of eatery.
This brings me to my second modest proposal this week. Let's extend the social credit scheme my department wants for individual behaviour and bring in one for the hospitality industry. Making places user friendly will score you a higher rating. A five crumpet restaurant would have only blondes as serving wenches - no masks and obviously the minimum of PPE, or indeed any other clothing. A four crumpet one would have flame haired temptresses, a three crumpet one would have brunettes, and two crumpets would be the exotics, the dusky maidens and Oriental dolly birds. You and I wouldn't be going into one crumpet ones, that's for sure, PM.
Above all we must continue to act swiftly and capriciously. No need for the plebs to understand the bigger picture, eh? All they have to do is obey our rules. We in the department believe they'll be more likely to do so if you're declared Infallible.
Pictures courtesy of Pixabay