From: Human Resources Department
To: Prime Minister
Dear Prime Minister,
I do hope you remember me and my department. I understand it's difficult to keep track of who's in the House of Commons and ours is a fairly new department, but unlike that Labour bint championing the former foreign aid department, you and I have known each other for some time. We were in the same house at Eton together, if you recall? Indeed I was also in the Bullingdon Club at the same time as yourself and our pigophile former Prime Minister, David Cameron. Youthful high jinks, PM, just high jinks.
All part of a chap's education. We did attend the finest pedagogical institutions available in this country, Eton and Oxford. (Is that the right word? Looks a bit rum to me.)
You made marvellous use of that opportunity. What other Foreign Secretary would be able to recite Kipling on native soil? Your impromptu rendition of The Road to Mandalay in that Buddhist pagoda in Rangoon was marvellously fitting and a real shout out to our yellow brethren. Am just surprised the Ambassador stopped you before you got to my favourite lines: Bloomin’ idol made o’ mud/ Wot they called the Great Gawd Budd. Super poem, and so appreciative of those dainty little Suzie Wongs: a neater, sweeter maiden in a cleaner, greener land. Ahead of his time, old Rudyard - that line clearly points to his concern for the environment. You should have told the Ambassador where to stick it - he completely misunderstood the situation.
The important thing about education is that it should go to the people who really need it, people of a certain quality. That's why I'm pleased our great private schools have been offering a full curriculum when some of the state schools are only able to offer part time studies. Let's face it, the working classes only need to learn to count for their online gambling activities and they certainly don't need to read - none of them ever cracks a book.
Well, I don't much myself, to be honest. Babs is in a book club but I think her crowd just like getting together to drink wine and bitch about their hubbies.
I suppose Rupert's Sun wouldn't do so well without the plebs. I wish he'd bring back the Page Three girls but they're not really necessary any more when so many of the pop tarts walk about in their scanties. Black Lives certainly do Matter when they belong to fillies like that Rihanna. Have you seen some of her stage outfits? You'll get no racial discrimination from me about the colour of her skin, PM. Creamy coffee, yum yum.
I seem to have got sidetracked here, but education's such an important matter... What I really wanted to speak to you about is the department's latest modest proposal - Operation Discombobulation. How does that sound? Now there's a snappy slogan, just a pity we won't be able to share it with the public as the idea is to keep them constantly on the back foot. Basically we're proposing a campaign of strategic surrealism.
You've obviously started down this road already, PM, testing air travellers when they leave the country, not when they come in; stopping community testing in March, just when the virus started to take hold; coming to an agreement with the French on allowing visitors and then changing your mind. Jolly good thing you did - we don't want overrun by cheese eating surrender monkeys, even if they do bring a few shekels into the old coffers.
I particularly liked your idea of introducing mandatory masks when the infection rate is going down. That should keep the population's terror levels up and, obviously, their compliance with whatever we ask them to do next. For once President Trumpington has it right. Doing more testing would just show that lots more people have the virus and haven't died of it - or even noticed, some of them.
No, we want to keep the country on its toes, make it a byword for population compliance. That's how the British created an Empire - we didn't need all those military parades of power like Kim Jong Un (though the Trooping of the Colour is always a jolly good show, of course) nor torture chambers like the Turks. One of the millenials in the office is saying, What about Northern Ireland? but I'd hardly call advanced interrogation techniques torture, would you?
Our methods can afford to be much more subtle. Changing our minds is key to this, as we did with the track and trace app, which we said was non-British till we decided we'd have it anyway. Not that we really need to announce anything in that regard anyway, when MI5 already have eyes and ears on anyone they damn well please.
I have to say Nicola Poppins is doing even better than us in terms of the old flip-flop, going for a shift system in Jockistan schools and then changing her mind entirely and not even bothering with social distancing. Not sure why she's bothering when the Scots education system has been the laughing stock of Europe for some time but the point is, she's showing us the way (as ever) in ruling from the top. Their R rate was even lower than ours when they introduced masks on public transport - thank goodness we have ministerial limos to get us around, PM - and probably still is though they're keeping social distancing at two metres. The Jocks are obviously more toxic than we are.
Operation Discombobulation is the way forward for us, operating alongside other marvellous programmes like streamlining the NHS, overhauling our out of date food hygiene rules, and increasing the fortunes of our super-rich. Pleasing to see so many of our entrepreneurs adding so much to their personal wealth, though some of them have been a bit cheeky taking up the furloughing scheme. I suppose the dreary Labourites will complain, but they should respect business savvy when they see it. I'm personally pretty happy that Denise Coates, the dame who runs Bet365, has literally doubled her money to £7.16 billion during the lockdown. Ker-ching!!! for her shareholders, including yours truly. A public service, I think - if we do reach four million unemployed the poor blighters will need something to keep them occupied.
Images courtesy of Pixabay.