OBEYING THE RULES
Updated: an hour ago
From: Human Resources Department
To: Prime Minister
Dear Prime Minister,
I am writing as a matter of urgency as we in the department have a modest proposal to make - we feel it may be time you spoke out about the current race riots in the United States. We know it's only been a week since the botched arrest of Mr Floyd and realise your silence is probably to maintain good relations with our future trading partners, who've offered us so much in the way of new types of poultry hygiene and hormonally enhanced beef, but we think it would be politic to make a proper statement now. The Ponderosa President may not stay the course in the next elections, so it would be timely for you to condemn his unstatesmanlike reaction to the police brutality that has led to so much civil unrest over there.
You needn't fear that the Trumpster will hold such a statement against you. We'll simply tell him that it's fake news, produced by artificial intelligence means. That sounds like a Hollywood movie plot so even he will understand it. If you speak slowly we'll easily be able to persuade him that a robot is reproducing your voice. Our doctors have, in any case, assessed him to have no short term memory whatsoever and think it likely that he has suffered frontal lobe damage - or else never developed a frontal lobe in the first place. That, apparently, is why he has little emotional control and indulges in inappropriate behaviour - thank goodness for our scientists, helping us comprehend the incomprehensible.
Not that I consider his bringing in tanks against protesters to be inappropriate, I have to say. The Americans are clearly an unruly and ill-disciplined race, with no respect for the rule of law - or for social distancing. You were quite right to tell our own protesters to maintain the rules on that. That's the important issue in today's situation, obeying the rules - unless you're a high ranking government official, of course. Or even a high ranking non-government, non-elected official. The Dom is something official, isn't he?
I see some of the protesters in today's demo in Hyde Park holding up banners saying, The UK isn't innocent. How dare they suggest we have anything to reproach ourselves for? Britain doesn't go in for treating black and ethnic minorities with brutality. For goodness sake, there were only 23 BAME deaths in police custody last time we looked, 2017-18 - and most of them were people who were a bit mental. I suppose it might be considered politically incorrect to call them that these days, PM, but in the human resources department we've had to come to terms with the hard fact that some resources are more useful than others.
Britain has a long and proud record of dealing with these chaps with a touch of the tarbrush. It's incredible to me that anyone could condemn us as racist when we've inter-acted with our dusky brethren from all over the world for many years and what's more, have helped them get their countries into shape. We've shown them what civilisation and good order look like and they should be grateful. Commonsense, decency, a sense of fair play, that's what we're all about. We've treated them all absolutely the same, no matter what the colour of their skin - given them the benefit of British customs, British commerce, British justice. They may have thought the beatings and land confiscation a little harsh on occasion, but by Jove, it made them toe the line, didn't it?
The fact is, we've made allowances for them. What would they be today if we hadn't built an Empire to show less progressive nations how to behave? But the world is not a fair place, PM, there's no gratitude. That's why you're right to keep people's minds focused on the really important matters - social distancing. Absolutely outrageous, people standing right next to each other in Hyde Park, making no attempt to keep two metres apart. They should know how to do it - we MPs showed them how to in the House of Commons yesterday, though speaking personally, I think you should have a word in Moggadon Man's ear about restoring virtual voting. (Just my little joke, PM - he knows I'm a big fan.) Now we've shown the plebs how to queue there should be no reason for us to waste our time with it.
Any statement you do make about the US situation should focus on the fact that you disapprove of these black and white people all standing so close to each other and you think El Trumpo is right to be concerned. I know you think I'm a little obsessed with Nicola Poppins (though she is the acceptable side of the nanny state, is she not?) but you could do worse than take a leaf out of her book, PM. Every time people criticise her, say for all those patients who were sent to care homes without tests, or the fact that one in 10 people in Jockistan are likely to lose their jobs, she just hits right back, telling the naughty Scots off for their misbehaviour. Wouldn't mind being stood in the corner by her.
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