• Jean Rafferty



26th September 2020

From: Human Resources Department

To: Prime Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

I'm writing first of all to offer you my condolences. What a hard week you've had, with your money problems being exposed, the Chancellor bringing in a super new slogan, and Carrie being away on holiday, though at least you'll get a decent night's sleep without little Wilfie displaying the Johnson lungpower at all hours of the night.

Those who question that a man who earned 829 grand a year from journalism and public speaking could have money worries are simply being disingenuous - and a bit mean-spirited, I might add. It's quite obvious that a drop of over half a million smackeroonies is going to lead to a drop in spending power, and if you're having to pay 75 quid a head to entertain guests at Chequers, then a prime minister's salary is not going to cut it.

Not that that's particularly expensive when you think it's over 400 quid for the posh menu at Le Gavroche. That's the one I always go for - it impresses totty no end to be offered special glasses of wine chosen by the Frog waiter chappie. They always flirt with him and pretend they know about wine, which, let's be honest, is not why I ask them for dinner. If I want someone to tell me what to quaff I just ask Babs - she's a walking encyclopaedia. My dear wife has gargled every bloody variety of the stuff.

But tiny modest proposal here, PM, put your own wages up. It's no worse than getting the Bank of England to print all this fresh money. Two trillion is rather a lot of spondulicks for the country to owe , so it's just as well the B of E can help us out.

Am not sure who we owe it all to - the sodding chinkerchonks, I suppose. It's well seen who this pandemic benefits - the world's biggest manufacturers of face masks, hand sanitisers, pangolin pate and sex toys. They're an ingenious lot, our wily oriental friends, and you were quite right to hold back some of our money from the World Health Organisation till they sort them out. We can't be giving away our hard earned cash to any organisation that kowtows to Johnny Chinaman.

Not that we have any cash, actually... and I don't suppose we've earned much either over the last few months. You'd have to eat an awful lot of burgers for Eat Out to Help Out to make a dent in two trillion poundsworth of debt.

Heigh ho. We can always blame our dusky mathematical genius when the economy implodes and we have two million unemployed. The big problem will be if he really does raise corporation tax because the party donors will pull their money out of party coffers. I have to confess I think some of them are getting the teensiest bit greedy about it - after all they must be making millions out of investing in drugs companies and so on. I've made a bob or two myself, as I expect most of our advisers have had the foresight to do, even if we don't have the inside knowledge that our Chief Scientific Officer, Sir Patrick Vallance had. Honestly, the press are so short-sighted, criticising him for his holding in GlaxoSmithKline. I suspect they're just jealous because they don't make five million quid in shares from the bloody rags they work for.

In the end the chancellor has responsibility for financial matters and the buck will stop with him if things go tits up. But I have to admit I was very alarmed on your behalf when he came up with that super catchphrase, Live without fear. That's the sort of thing you should be saying, PM. People associate you with that gung ho British bulldog spirit - well, you and Churchill, of course.

You need to be building up that image in people's minds because it's the one thing that marks you out as a leader from my beloved Nanny Nicola, who copies your every move, sometimes even before you do it yourself.

She, of course, has perfected the art of the passive aggressive apology, telling the students she's sorry for them while insisting they obey her and stay under dorm arrest. I see most of them have ignored her, dodging past security guards to get to Mummy and Daddy, which rather surprises me - I wouldn't mess with the Poppins gal myself.

The thing is, she has every right to tell the little snowflakes what to do as the Jockistan government pays their fees. I know they're supposed to be the brightest minds of their generation but we don't want to encourage that sort of thing. No need for them to think for themselves when we can do it for them.

It's a principle we must now apply to all areas of society. There is not enough deference in our society. We don't want Brits to become like the Japs, bowing and scraping all the time, but they're not grateful enough for what we've given them. We've given them the furlough scheme, which meant they could laze around in the sunshine pretending to be exercising while we were working hard on their behalf.

Now it's the Jobs Support scheme, which means they get almost as much money as usual for a third of the work. They should be thanking us instead of having a go at us just because it's not as generous as the schemes the Krauts have. Sometimes I despair. You just wonder who won the war?

However, on a happier note, the team have come up with a world-beating modest proposal this week, PM. Let's make sure we don't reach these high unemployment rates by removing one sector from the workforce - the women. During the coronacrisis they've been slacking, only producing one hour of work for every three a man does, but the little ladies clearly have enough to do round the home to keep them busy. We can solve our problems in one fell swoop by just banning them from paid work. We won't leave them short, of course - we'll make sure we keep them happy with vouchers for facials and cut price cocktails. Speak to Carrie about it now she's back from that girls' junket to Lake Como - hope they didn't make a nuisance of themselves with gorgeous George Clooney, har har.



Pictures courtesy of Vinotecarium, joshuatkd, and sivis on Pixabay