• Jean Rafferty



July 2020

From: Human Resources Department

To: Prime Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

As we have at all times followed the science in our approach to the pandemic it's obviously a very good thing to have a top chappie like the head of the Royal Society reinforce the mask message. He's said it's anti-social not to wear a mask in enclosed public spaces, which is very useful as it puts the responsibility right on to the public. We in the House of Commons are obviously not the public, of course. We've shown the public how to queue - no need to demonstrate mask wearing as well.

I have to say it's a pity the scientists have established that masks do actually protect the wearers as well - we'd have saved ourselves a lot of money on PPE in covid wards as there'd be no point in protecting patients who have the virus anyway.

The point is, though, that we're establishing government control over people's bodies at the same time as telling them they're responsible for their own health - and everyone else's. A sort of dictatorship by consent, so to speak. It's clear we have the backing of lots of the population in this. They seem to think masks are for the greater good, so we'll keep our mouths shut about the extra viral load they'd have to carry if they did have covid, or any other virus, for that matter.

I don't think we need to bring in a law yet in our supermarkets the way they have in Jockistan but when the second wave hits and we make mask wearing mandatory everywhere outside the home, we shouldn't have any problem with enforcement - the scientists have laid the groundwork for shaming non-wearers and anyway, all the busybodies will be dying to report their neighbours for non-compliance.

The department have been brainstorming this whole issue and it seems to us we can extend the principle of do it yourself healthcare in all sorts of ways. So the modest proposal we have come up with is a system of social credit much the same as our Oriental colleagues operate. Get stroppy about wearing masks? lose three social credits; tweet in favour of our great leader? (that's you, PM) and you gain three credits. Fall ill through coronavirus? slide right to the bottom of the snake. It's the Blame Game - people have to accept responsibility for their own lives.

Next year when 35000 extra people die of cancer as the scientists predict, we'll say they should have insisted on making appointments with the specialists. You should have got your acts together, people. Our hospitals may have sent loads of infected people into care homes but the care homes shouldn't have accepted them. No sir, they should have turned them away at the door, toot suite. It will be the end of chancers suing the NHS just because some old fart in their family has snuffed it. No more medical negligence suits, which will save us a lot of money that could be better employed giving well deserved tax breaks to the country's biggest wealth producers or clearing scruffy old forests to make way for new developments.

It's a pity we lost the opportunity to make vaccines mandatory when we reformed the law - the anti-vaccine lot will undoubtedly squeal and refuse to take it. The fines they'd rack up would have been a fine addition to revenues. Personally I've hedged my bets on that front and have taken stocks in a number of pharmaceutical companies. One or another will have to come up with a world beating vaccine, won't it?

Probably one of the Chinese ones, which would be a bit rich given that they're the ones who boiled up the bloody virus from bat droppings in the first place. Who does that, PM? Dr Fu Fucking-Manchu, that's who. Just as well the Yanks have the chinker-chonks ringed with missile bases because they're obviously intent on world domination in every sense of the word. They're the world's leading producers of PPE so have benefited economically and now they're going for land in Taiwan and India and its border countries.

I have to say that offends my British sense of fair play, a quality you yourself have reminded the world of with your sanctions list. Masterly, PM, to proceed against those guilty of human rights abuses without being so undiplomatic as to offend our trading partners by condemning a whole country. No point in placing arms sales to Saudi in jeopardy by sanctioning the Prince, for example, when there are 20 henchmen accused of killing Jamal Khashoggi available. Perhaps, though, you should consider adding a Chinese tycoon to the list. We'll be reshoring a lot of products in the future so no need to keep in with the chinker chonks quite so much.

In the interests of fair play I have a second proposal, perhaps not quite so modest as the first. Why don't we release our own virus, start off a world beating pandemic? It's clear from our own experience that mass panic takes people's attention away from politics. People have become expert epidemiologists, scientists, and virologists but they're leaving politics to the politicians and are very happy to follow great leaders like yourself. My beloved Nicola Poppins has the whole of Jockistan slavering after her and people like you and Jair Bolsonaro who've contracted the virus have acquired a magical patina. It may not be reflected in Sturgeon level approval ratings just yet but that will change, PM. That will change.

We're achieving so much without constant sniping from the public. They're too busy worrying about keeping their neighbours up to scratch to notice. We're streamlining the NHS by refusing its ridiculous demands for a rise - how absurd of staff to ask for more money just for doing their job. How would it be if MPs made that sort of demand every time we turned around? (It wasn't as if we asked for that 10 grand for working from home - the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority just gave it to us.) But most important of all, we've almost not made a deal with the EU and hardly a soul has noticed.

I propose this not from any venal motive, though I do have a small interest in a very discreet lab which would be perfectly capable of creating a new pattern virus, from mole droppings perhaps? or hedgehog vomit? After a suitably protracted amount of time our cutting edge British scientists would, hey presto! produce the vaccine. In the meantime we would have provided the world with the particular type of PPE required and taken a patent out on the hedgehog vomit antidote, first offering other drugs as alternative treatments.

We'll have to move fast, PM. There's been a case of bubonic plague in Inner Mongolia in China, so they may be gearing up for pandemic mark 2.