• Jean Rafferty



May 2020

From: Human Resources Department

To: Prime Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

May I congratulate you on your loyalty towards your commander-in-chief, Dominic Cummings. Not only have you struck a blow for fathers everywhere, a much beleaguered group in these days when the fillies rampage all over us chaps, but you’ve shown the country some much needed reality. This Twitterstorm will soon be replaced by some other poor bastard being put under the microscope and it won’t be long before people fall into line and accept that there’s one law for people at the top and another for the peasants - and there’s very good reason for that.

Dom has shown himself to be a true leader, refusing to bow to criticism and insisting that his behaviour was beyond reproach. This iron will is the ideal quality for our top men as the country moves towards a new future.

The department and I have been brainstorming and have come up with a fabulously exciting idea. Dom, with his superb strategic skills, will have a pivotal role. I have a modest proposal to make, Prime Minister. Why don’t we start a third world war?

I realise people might resist a little at first, but it makes economic sense. Once our period of streamlining the economy and taking out the excess fat is over, there will be quite a few people out of work, young people especially. What better way to put their youthful vigour and enthusiasm to use than by dragooning them into military service?

If there is one industry we cannot afford to lie idle it is the weapons industry. We’ve built up too much of a reputation for excellence with our facilitation of the Saudi enterprise in Yemen to falter now. To say nothing of the extra spondulicks in the old coffers.

I believe starting World War Three could be the beginning of a new era of British world domination - well, in conjunction with our great allies, the Americans, who’ve been so illuminating in our agricultural and medical trade talks, offering us such fantastic new methods of producing hygienic food and forward thinking pricing plans for pharmaceuticals.

There has never been a better time to launch a war. Lockdown has been the ideal preparation, making our young men aware of how boring life can be when there’s no outlet for their testosterone - put a gun in their hands and they’ll all be the stars of their own superhero films. The gals have had to learn how to cook from scratch again and all those baking shows they watch will ensure a good standard of baked goods when the Greggs’ shops are all bombed. And we shouldn’t have any problems with having to bring in gyppo fruit pickers now that Alan Titchmarsh is showing people how to grow their own vegetables.

But the key thing is that we’ve trained the population to obey orders, staying indoors, taking their daily hour’s exercise, and, crucially, becoming accustomed to queuing for lengthy periods of time for rationed goods. Through your own stirring words, PM, we have inculcated a wartime spirit. The importance of that can’t be over-estimated. I hope you will not consider it flattery if I say that you would make a first class wartime leader. Someone like Winston Churchill wouldn’t have a hope of leading people in our modern world. Far too old, ugly as sin, and I doubt he’d have been able to rein himself in enough to cope with Twitter. He might have been the epitome of the British bulldog but people prefer those cute little French pugs these days.

If I may make so bold, your consort, the lovely Carrie, would make the perfect wartime leader’s wife. She followed her man into covidity, survived the virus, and then gave birth to little Wilfie, a shining example to modern women and sure to capture the Mumsnet vote. She’ll enhance your vote with the chaps too - a bit of prime blonde tottie as arm candy never hurt a fellow’s standing. (That’s if we keep the vote, of course. We could probably bring in emergency powers to get rid of it.)

I know you’ve said, quite rightly, that there are no guarantees, but you must stand firm on the subject of the commander-in-chief. I see great things ahead for him. Ignore that MP who resigned - he’s only a jock - and you must rise above Commons tea room gossip about doms and subs. He is the perfect person to take charge of the theatre of war.

I assume the chinker chonks would be the ideal target. After all, they’ve landed the world with this virus. The fact that it’s turned into a marvellous opportunity for us to manage our human resources, stifle dissent, and rationalise the economy is an unexpected bonus. They gave the world this dangerous disease (unless the CIA really did invent it, in which case, respect to our American allies, didn’t think they had it in them) and they must pay the price.

The Yanks have played a blinder on this, I have to say - encircling China with nuclear subs and missile bases before a war has even happened is a piece of genius. Not even Commandant Cummings has come up with anything as brilliant as that. But he is, as we all know, capable of Machiavellian cunning (whatever that is) and will undoubtedly come up with some jolly japes as the world war progresses.

If you really do have to give in to the mere 35 Tory MPs who’ve called for Dom’s resignation then you could do worse than call on the Scottish nanny to be your second in command. She’s lagging behind a little at the moment on easing lockdown but she’s not far behind us and so far has proved herself loyal to the government’s message, building the multi-million pound show hospital and shutting down her community testing and tracing programme at roughly the same time as us. (Was it Dom who thought of that one, PM? a super wheeze, if you don’t mind my saying so, keeping the death rates up and infection rates down because nobody’s being tested. That keeps them all in a state of terror.)

You know I yield to no-one in my admiration for Nicola Poppins’s legs. I wouldn’t mind submitting to her high heel pressing into my skin.