• Jean Rafferty



April 2020

From: Human Resources Department

To: Prime Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

Given the shenanigans of the Easter weekend, with certain members of the public thinking that eating chips is exercise, I would like to put forward a second modest proposal. Actually a two for one, really.

We clearly have a problem with people failing to comply with our regulations. I'm not talking about yourself, PM. Not at all. Chequers is not so much a second home as an extension of your office, though I can't say the same of HRH. Decamping to Birkhall when you'd just announced people shouldn't go to their second homes was a jolly poor show. And if I may say so, didn't do Her Majesty any favours when she's had the double whammy of Harry buggering off and Andrew's involvement with that paedophile Yank becoming so public.

I blame the damn #MeToo movement for that. The fillies should learn to stop yapping about their mental health and get on with it. It's not as if they were damaged by mixing with chaps at the top of their game, is it? On the contrary, they got to travel, they were given nice little gewgaws and sexy underwear. A win-win situation if you ask me.

No, I'm talking about the great unwashed flouting our rules about going out. I don't know what's happened to the ordinary people of this country. We didn't become great by allowing people to do what they damn well please, not people of the lower class anyway. Could we really have built our Empire if the rank and file hadn't obeyed orders?

Yet every week we see people lounging about in the parks having picnics or sunbathing. Or meandering about the country as if they owned it, when in fact the Dukes of Westminster and Northumberland pretty much have the deeds to the lot.

What I propose is that we channel that surplus energy by instigating daily roll call and marching practice. No more fannying about with airy fairy nonsense like yoga . Let’s have some proper exercise drills. We would still have to maintain social distancing but a few hours on the parade ground square bashing would tire out the

little snowflakes and give them a taste of some discipline.

The officers would obviously be given microphones and protective suits so that they'd be protected from the plebs' germs. I'm sure the NHS and care workers would see the value of diverting our resources to maintaining public order rather than to protecting themselves. After all, it's their job to care for the sick, so they can't complain if a few patients turn up.

Discipline is what's needed and, I'm sorry to say, has been sadly lacking in the British population's response to the coronacrisis. We need to make Britain great again, so can I suggest a more traditional approach is required? It is not acceptable for people to be lolling about in the fresh air when we've told them not to, even if many of them were the requisite distance apart. Rules must be seen to be obeyed. If people refuse to do so I suggest there is a time honoured way to deal with it - we restore public floggings.

I know what you're going to say, PM, that this makes us look a bit iffy and old-fashioned. But it didn't do any of us any harm, did it?

It clearly couldn't be done in the traditional way, with large crowds of Yahoos gathering in stadiums to watch and jeer. That would undoubtedly unflatten the curve of the virus. So what I suggest is - and here's where we bring it bang up to date and monetise it - that we have a Public Order channel which is pay for view. Rupert might be interested in taking that forward. He's a bit of a believer in tough love with his own family, isn't he, pitting them against each other for bits of the business? Of course we wouldn't let him have the monopoly. Given that the media are constantly bleating on about losing revenue, this would offer them a way to diversify.

It would also boost production in certain industries, not least manufacturers of bondage goods. And one of the benefits of it in the coming recession is that it would do us no harm with our Saudi chums, who already use such methods. It would remind them that we share the same values of public decency and adherence to orders and give them confidence in our ability to fulfil their trade needs.

I have no financial interest in this – well, apart from a few shares in one of the larger weapons companies. All I wish is for the rule of law to be respected and for Britain to show its mettle in this time of national emergency.

With best wishes,


Images courtesy of Pixabay