• Jean Rafferty



19th July 2020

From: Human Resources Department

To: Prime Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

I have a little personal proposal to make, more an immodest than modest one, har har. As we've now ensured that the public accept our sartorial guidance, can I suggest we start enforcing dress codes, particularly for the fillies? Am sick of seeing the whole population, from teenagers to pensioners, dressed in jeans and baggy T-shirts. We need to have the gels trotting about in little pelmet skirts and low cut blouses. No more trainers either - there's nothing that enhances the female leg more than a nice high heel, as my pin-up, Saint Nicola, demonstrates in her daily press conferences. (I do think you should resume your own, Prime Minister - seeing your humour and that jaunty optimism you have would surely send your approval ratings up.)

But you need to lose the scientists we have at the moment, telling us we're wrong to ease the lockdown. Not their place. After all, following them has led us into the worst recession we've had in 300 years so we shouldn't allow them to interfere in politics any more.

Not unless we can be sure they'll support us like those ones in Scotland speaking out for Ms Poppins. Some Labour chappie - the shadow secretary of state, I think - has reminded the Jocks of the SNP's catastrophic failures, but they must be wearing masks right over their eyes as well there as they're ignoring the fact that Scotland has the highest rate in the UK for deaths in care homes and one of the worst death rates in the world.

Our own death rate is irrelevant here. It's not about the numbers anyway. The only number that really counts is our majority of 80 in Parliament. We can do what we want with numbers like those, even consolidate our emergency powers if we want. That idiot David Davis totally let us down making us go back to the House every six months. What a nerve - he did damn all on the Brexit negotiations but now he thinks he'll interfere with the smooth running of government. But what else can you expect from someone who went to Tooting Bec grammar school? It doesn't really matter - we'll just get the party faithful to vote them through again, like we did with making the lockdown reviews every four weeks instead of three.

My point is that a good leader doesn't need to be right 100 percent of the time, just often enough to convince the public that they know what they're doing. A modest proposal such as losing the scientists will send a strong message to the country that someone forceful is in charge. Their advice on masks has been very useful to us as it's meant one section of the population now looks down on the other. Divide and rule, PM, divide and rule. All those virtue signalling lefties can say the normal people who choke when they're gagged are selfish, and the ones who gasp their last on shopping trips can bleat about the mask Nazis.

The virtue of the whole debate is that while they're squabbling about illogical rules and their human rights (not sure where they get the idea they're the ones who make the choices) we can get on with the business of making money without everyone bothering us. I was very glad to see that Dom and Dom-er's chums got that little contract for conducting focus groups. Am not sure why the press got their knickers up their arses on that one. Storm in a teacup, if you ask me, all that huffing and puffing about a minor secretarial error, classifying the work as being about Brexit when it was all obviously about Covid 19.

Anyway, £840000 is a trifling amount of money compared to the moolah the real entrepreneurial types can rack up in times like these. Look at Tom Morris, who founded Home Bargains, some discount chain that the plebs apparently use - he's more than doubled his net worth from £1.43 billion to £2.94, no doubt selling garden gnomes and pork scratchings or stuff like that, though, mind you, Babs told me her friend got plastic garden glasses and plates there far cheaper than in John Lewis. I don't know anyone who uses plastic anything in the garden - she gets some funny ideas from that book group she goes to.

But that's the kind of business acument we want to see in this country, not the scrounging mentality that the welfare state seems to have fostered. People want something for nothing these days. I suppose you made the right decision to restore free school meals, just because of the optics, though I do think if people had a bit of backbone they'd find they could provide for their children if they put their minds to it. They can use the discount vouchers you've generously provided for eating out, treat themselves to a Big Mac or something.

We seem to have lost our minds. Only today some mental health charity was whining about half a million people overwhelming the NHS in the autumn with their mental health problems. It's not exactly British, is it? Time for some harsh reality, PM. Tough love. Stop them lounging about at home and enjoying the sunshine instead of being out there putting their shoulders to the wheel or wherever the workers put their body parts.



Pictures courtesy of Pixabay